How to Not Fall in Love with a Bar Girl

My sister watches that stupid show, 90 day Fiancé show and assumes that's the norm out here in Asia. Goofy, socially awkward, older men going after farm girls local men are not interested in.

That, when I go out with an attractive twenty something girl it's not because she likes me and is attracted to me, it's because:

• I'm an American and she want's a green card.
• She want's money.
• Daddy issues.

It's a very annoying stereotype I deal with as an expat. The assumption that all girls in Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia etc are all poor, stupid and uneducated and that men out here all pay for box and that relationships are all transactional.

NO, do the work and become an attractive guy who has choice in life and you'll gain access to women. It's as simple as that.

With that said, after coming from Thailand for my friends wedding, a cliche you'll often see in Thailand is exactly that, some dumb foreign guy falling in love with a bar girl.

So here is how you STOP yourself from falling in love with a bar girl.

The cornball pattern is so predictable it's almost tragic. Guy meets bar girl, guy falls head over heels, guy loses everything.

But here's the thing, this isn't really about bar girls. It's about a fundamental mistake that expat men make time and time again: becoming emotionally attached before conducting proper due diligence.

Whether she works in a bar, massage parlor, or any other aspect of the nightlife industry, the principles remain the same.

The Six-Month Rule: Your Emotional Insurance Policy

Let me be crystal clear about something: there is a time to be emotionally invested in a relationship, and there's a time not to be. For expat men navigating the complex waters of relationships in places like Thailand, Philippines, or Vietnam, that time is at least the first six months.

I've delt with too many expat men over the years whose problems stemmed from one critical error: they couldn't resist becoming emotionally attached to a particular woman before she had been properly vetted. So many difficult and problematic situations could be avoided entirely if men could learn to exercise a little restraint.

Think of it this way

When investors consider purchasing a business or property, they expect a due diligence period. They don't yet know what they're dealing with. They don't yet know whether the opportunity in front of them is actually what they want and hope it to be.

If they don't figure that out before signing on the dotted line, it becomes their problem after they hand over the money. The same principle applies to relationships, especially in environments where the financial incentives and cultural dynamics can be particularly complex.

Why Six Months?

The crisis of disillusionment, that's why (got that from Dr. Orion Taraban).

It typically takes at least that long to reach what psychologists call the "crisis of disillusionment" - the point where the projected fantasy you've been attracted to is shattered by the reality of who the other person actually is.

In the bar scene, this timeline becomes even more critical. The entire industry is built around creating fantasy experiences. She's paid to be charming, attentive, and interested. She's a professional at making you feel special, desired, and understood. But underneath that professional persona is a real person with real motivations, real problems, and real agendas that may have nothing to do with genuine romantic interest.

If you decide to give your heart to someone before you can see who she really is, you're not just gambling, you're gambling without even bothering to learn the rules of the game.

And in the expat scene, those rules can be devastatingly different from what you're used to back home.

The Double Danger of Premature Emotional Investment

Falling too hard too fast creates problems on two fronts, and both can destroy your relationship and your well-being.

The Internal Struggle

First, if you decide to emotionally invest in someone who turns out to be of poor character. Whether she's actively scamming you, dealing with multiple men, or simply isn't capable of the relationship you're seeking; you're going to suffer.

You'll find yourself in the terrible position of having to choose between your head and your heart. Between what is good and right for you, and what you've already chosen to love.

This is an agonizing position to be in. No matter what you do, it's going to hurt, and it might hurt real bad. The worst part? You did that to yourself because you didn't exercise sufficient restraint and discernment before choosing to emotionally invest.

I've seen expat men stay in obviously toxic situations for months or years because they couldn't face the reality of what they'd gotten themselves into. They know they're being used, they know it's not healthy, but the emotional attachment makes it nearly impossible to walk away.

The Attraction Killer

Second, if you emotionally invest before it's warranted, you automatically place yourself in the "adorer" role. This forces her into the position of being "the adored," which is generally not where women want to be, regardless of their profession or background.

This dynamic robs her of the emotional experience that women typically seek from romantic relationships. A man in the adorer role is less attractive because if you're looking up at her, then she's looking down at you. It's very difficult for a woman to love—let alone respect—a man she's forced to look down on.

In the bar scene, this dynamic becomes even more pronounced. She's already in a position of perceived power because of the transactional nature of the environment. When you add premature emotional investment on top of that, you've essentially handed over all your leverage and made yourself just another desperate customer rather than a potential romantic partner.

Remember: you can't want someone into wanting you more. The harder you try, the further away you push them.

Playing Your Cards Right: The Poker Analogy

Dealing with relationships in the expat world is a lot like playing poker. Every once in a while, you're going to meet someone who seems amazing,your version of pocket aces. But if you start jumping out of your chair and changing your betting behavior every time you get good cards, you're not going to win that pot, and you haven't even seen the flop yet.

Yes, meeting an attractive, charming woman is an advantageous position to be in, but you have to maintain your poker face. You keep a rein on your emotions and don't deviate from your system, because that's your best bet of actually winning in that situation.

You cannot allow your emotions to change your behavior, especially in an environment where your emotional reactions are being carefully observed and potentially exploited.

Practical Strategies for Emotional Resistance

Here are the concrete steps you need to take to resist the pull of premature emotional investment:

1) Guard Your Thoughts

When she's not around, don't think about her. This might sound harsh, but it's crucial. It's not a good idea to let your mind wander to things that aren't present in your life. If you do this, you'll be where your life is not, and that's not where you want to be.

Be mindful of where your thoughts go. Are you remembering intimate moments? Are you fantasizing about your next encounter? If you spend increasing amounts of time with the mental construct of a woman in the privacy of your own consciousness, you're basically training yourself to fall in love with the idea of who she is rather than who she actually is.

This is particularly dangerous in the bar scene, where much of the interaction is designed to create exactly these kinds of fantasies. Redirect your attention to other things: your work, your expat friends, your fitness routine, or simply what's right in front of you.

2) Control Communication Frequency

If you've only known each other for a few weeks, you should not be texting every day, let alone all day every day. Constant communication dramatically accelerates the emotional intimacy process.

I understand that it might be exciting or even flattering for an attractive woman to blow up your phone. However, if you respond to everything she sends you, then she is functionally dictating the pace of interaction. This is the most common way that expat men slip into a woman's frame without realizing it.

Get back to her when you want to get back to her. She's going to have whatever emotional response she's going to have—that's not up to you. If she throws a tantrum because you kept her waiting rather than feeling grateful that you responded, you just learned valuable information about her character.

In the bar scene, remember that constant availability makes you just another customer rather than someone special. Scarcity creates value.

3) Avoid Inappropriate Disclosure

Some of you are going on marathon dates where you end up sharing your deepest secrets, relationship trauma, childhood history, and sincere hopes for the future. Why are you doing this? You don't yet know who this person is or what they're going to do with this information.

The rule of thumb is simple: if you're not ready to trust this person with your bank account information, then you're not ready for this level of vulnerability. After all, that's just your money, you can make more money. Being financially robbed is easier to recover from than emotional devastation from a toxic relationship.

People make decisions with their heart that they would never make with their money. They believe they can just "get over" things. As someone seen it first hand with many expat men, let me tell you that it's actually quite difficult for most people to just get over things. Getting emotionally involved with the wrong person is right near the top of the list of things that are hard to recover from.

Until you trust someone with your money, don't trust them with your heart.

The Three Pillars of Emotional Investment

These three behaviors:

• Mental obsession
• Constant communication
• Excessive vulnerability

...are exactly how people fall in love with each other. They're how men become emotionally invested. I'm not saying to never become emotionally invested in a woman. I'm saying you'd damn well better be sure that woman is safe, trustworthy, competent, and loyal before you do so.

In the expat environment, these qualities become even more critical to verify. Cultural differences, economic disparities, and the complex dynamics of the nightlife industry add layers of complexity that require extra time and careful observation to navigate.

Why You Shouldn't Date Bar Girls in The First Place

Now let's address the elephant in the room. While the principles above apply to any relationship, there's a more fundamental question: should you be pursuing bar girls in Pattaya, Nana Plaza or Thai Friendly at all?

The honest answer is no, and here's why.

The Quality Problem

Dating bar girls is often a symptom of a deeper issue: you're not attracting the caliber of women you actually want. You've settled for what's easily accessible rather than doing the work to become the kind of man who attracts higher-quality partners.

Bar girls are available to you not because you're special, but because availability is literally their job. Any man with a wallet can walk into a bar and receive attention from attractive women.

That's not an achievement, it's a business transaction.

Meanwhile, the women you actually want to build a life with are out there living their lives, not working in bars looking for customers.

The Missed Opportunity Cost

Every hour you spend in bars, every dollar you spend on lady drinks, every emotional cycle you waste on someone who's fundamentally unavailable for a real relationship is time and energy you could have invested in becoming more attractive to the women you actually want to be with.

The uncomfortable truth is that most expat men who get caught up in the bar scene are avoiding the harder work of self-improvement. It's easier to pay for attention than to develop the confidence, social skills, financial success, and emotional maturity that naturally attract high-quality women.

Do the Work: Become the Man Worth Dating

If you want access to better women, you need to become a better man. It's that simple. Here's what that actually looks like:

Develop Real Value

Stop looking for shortcuts and start building genuine attractiveness. This means:

Physical Development: Get in the best shape of your life. Not just "good enough" but genuinely impressive. Join a gym, hire a trainer, learn a martial art, or take up rock climbing. Physical fitness demonstrates discipline, self-respect, and the ability to set and achieve goals.

Financial Success: Build a career or business that you're genuinely proud of. Money isn't everything, but financial stability and ambition are attractive qualities that signal you can provide and protect. More importantly, pursuing meaningful work gives you purpose and confidence that women find magnetic.

Social Skills: Develop the ability to connect with people authentically. Join expat communities, take up hobbies that interest you, learn to tell engaging stories, and become someone others genuinely enjoy being around. Charisma isn't inborn—it's a skill you can develop.

Emotional Maturity: Work on your psychological health. Process your past traumas, develop emotional regulation skills, and become genuinely comfortable with who you are. Women can sense desperation and insecurity from miles away.

Raise Your Standards and Have Some Self Respect

Stop accepting mediocrity in your dating life. Just because a woman is reasonably attractive doesn't mean she's worth your time and energy.

Start evaluating potential partners based on:

• Character: Is she honest, loyal, and kind to others?
• Life Goals: Does she have ambitions and plans beyond finding a man to support her?
• Emotional Maturity: Can she handle conflict, communicate effectively, and take responsibility for her actions?
• Independence: Does she have her own income, friends, and interests?
• Compatibility: Do you actually enjoy spending time together when sex isn't on the table?

Otherwise, compartmentalize relationships for what they are.

The Bottom Line

If you're unwilling to take the time to figure out someone's true character beforehand, you're asking for pain. And don't you have enough of that in your life already?

The key is to remain two consenting adults who enjoy each other's company during that crucial first six months. Have fun, enjoy the experience, but keep your emotional investment in check until you've had sufficient time to see who she really is when the fantasy drops away.

Get a handle on your emotions, gentlemen.

Don't be another cautionary tale.