Don't Buy Bitcoin, Buy Gold (Because You're Old)

Let me tell you why gold is absolutely superior to that newfangled digital nonsense. Sure, it's environmentally harmful to mine, difficult to store, and even harder to divide.

But that's what makes it special.

Rich, decadent gold is the best money governments can confiscate and banks can manipulate.

Now that's what I call a feature, not a bug!

...and let's talk about those thick, toxic streaks of mercury and silky cyanide that pollute and caress ecosystems in developing countries.

Poetry in motion, really.

But gold is worth the massive human and ecological toll, because you can touch it and if you can touch it, it has value.

Science.

I mean, sure, Bitcoin only offers a secure, global, trustless monetary infrastructure to anyone, anywhere with an internet connection. But owning gold makes you special. It makes you part of an exclusive club of people who enjoy heavy, impractical assets that require armed guards and safety deposit boxes.

So let's go back to the Gold Standard, the typewriter and the horse-drawn carriage while we're at it. Because who wants the future of money when you can own a piece of the past?

Who needs innovation when you can have tradition? Who needs efficiency when you can have a shiny yellow rock?

Gold: because you're old.