Welcome. This guide is five thousands words long covering everything possible with online dating. I guarantee you will NOT find a more detailed post anywhere else on the web.
It took me around 7 hours to write this. I would greatly appreciate a back link with the anchor text “online dating” ,a retweet, or a stumble… but only if you think this guide is worthy enough of course (let’s see if this baby can rank! I will keep you up to date: currently not indexed, thanks Google!)
Online dating: It used to be the territory of the desperate, timid, and socially awkward right?
Lets throw in some people from the witness protection agency for fun too. Now-a-days with the advent of web 2.0 (think Facebook, YouTube, Twitter) there has been an explosion of dating sites. They are as common as Starbucks and about as popular to. No doubt, online dating has become the modern day match maker. Instead of having your aunt preach the praises of the girl next door, or that of her cute nephew, online dating sites make for a do it yourself solution.
The biggest question most ask is how and where do you meet people that are date worthy? Once you’re done with school and you’re working full time it gets harder and harder. Are you going to meet the love of your life at a bar? At a friends party? Maybe haphazardly when you’re strolling through the mall? Sure, why not. Crazier things have happened…but why put it to chance? This is why online dating has such a level of popularity. It is a buffet of people (delicious).
It can be difficult to meet quality people if you’re single and on your own.
Learning how to date online is useful because if you choose to ignore it, you’re missing out on a wonderful way to meet a variety of people you may never would otherwise. Stop looking at dating sites with skepticism and prejudice (they are selling a service, not crack) and learn how to use online dating sites and have fun with it.
It is your personal catalog of interested persons for date.
The awesome thing about online dating is it acts as a catalog of men and women in every shape size and color. You can literally browse other human beings by category: White, Black, Asian, mix, other. Set predefined height limits, set up filters on who can talk to you and who can not. You can also check out the new arrivals, but stay away from the clearance section (people who get less than one email a day) unless you’re really desperate. Categories also allow you to browse by whatever is your “type” is. Personality? Character? Ambition? Who cares! I want Mr guy-who-plays-in-band or Ms hot blond playboy model.
Online dating exposes you to more variety. It allows you to meet girls and guys you otherwise would not.
Plain and simple this is the strongest reason to use a dating site and is specifically why I use online dating in conjunction with going out. You meet girls/guys all the time, but when you do the same thing week after week, the same 3 bars, the same 4 clubs, in the same 3 towns over and over. The variety starts to dwindle, you find yourself meeting the same type of person over and over again. Online dating can help break this cycle up. Maybe you’ll meet the busy entrepreneur who works all the time and never gets out, maybe you’ll meet that beautiful family/career oriented girl who doesn’t like bars, or maybe you’ll meet the 35 yr old who live at home with mom and dad and doesn’t go out because he has no friends. There is risk in online dating, but the best reason to do it is the potential that you might me someone great.
So What Are you Looking for?
Dating sites cater to different crowds. Lets go through some of them. Here is a list of what will be covered:
- MATCH ( US /UK )
- EHARMONY
- CHEMISRTY
- SINGLESNET
- PLENTY OF FISH
- SUGGAR DADDIE
- CRAIGS LIST PERSONALS
- OKCUPID
- NICHE DATING SITE NETWORKS
Match dot com
Match is the grandfather of online dating. It was one of the first membership dating sites in existence and is still one of the best sites out there. With the advent of social media sites like Facebook, the idea of paying for a membership for a service that should be seemingly free is a real question. However, web sites are not charities. They are in it to make money by creating and providing value for the end user. I like that Match has a pay to play mentality. This way it stops dating site bums from joining. Also, by having an entrance fee it tends to attract only those who are serious about finding someone online. With millions of members and tons of features that help users search, Match is a solid option. You will not go wrong (hopefully). Sign up for Match here.
Eharmony advanced match making
Eharmony: Simply put Eharmony sucks (from my experience). I have found it to be a complete waste of money. Eharmony is way too expensive for an automated matching service. What’s worst, if you’re a paying member and you are matched with someone who is not, you can not communicate with that person. In my opinion, if you pay, you should have full access…besides I thought this was a “relationship” site. Why limit paying customers?
Now granted, many have had wonderful experiences. A good friend of mine is in a wonderful relationship because of Eharmony. Perhaps my issues were that I was a bit young when I joined. A site like this seems more geared to the 26+ crowd. Those who go deeper than pictures, (though pictures matter). Regardless of my complaints the matching system is quite interesting and it may be worth checking out just for that. Sign for Eharmony here.
Chemistry dot com is gunning for Eharmony
Chemistry: An excellent alternative to Eharmony. Unlike Eharmony, you can set up your profile and view your matches for free, then if you like their matching system and community, sign up for a membership. I know Eharmony likes to say “view your matches for free” but what they leave out is that you can not view the photo. So sure technically you can view that you’re matched with liz565, but you have no idea if shes even real or what she looks like. Not so with Chemistry, plus they cost less. Sign up for Chemistry here.
Singlesnet dot com is the dark horse
Singlesnet: This site does not get as much attention as some of its million dollar venture backed competition, but it has proven to be a solid site. Unlike Eharmony you can literally join and create a profile within a matter of minutes. Throw up a decent pic, write a few good sentences and you are good to go. So does it work? Yep. I meet this gorgeous Brazilian au pair who I am still friends with today. In fact I am planning on visiting her in December (it is summer on that side of the world). So that’s it. You can quickly create a profile and start viewing other members in your area. Spend some time viewing profiles to help you make the decision that there are enough people in your area you would like to connect with. If you decide this site has enough interesting people, sign up for the service. Get access to Singlesnet here.
Plenty of Fish makes pay sites nervous
Plentyoffish (POF): Full featured, tons of members. Best of all it’s free. Built by a guy named Markus in his bedroom to teach himself code, the site was run all by himself for a few years. He now employs about six people and has been made into a multi-millionaire because of its success.
So how does a free site make him millions? Simple. Ads. His site receives millions of visitors and does BILLIONS of page views. It is simply incredible. The actual site is very ugly and can be a bit confusing to navigate, but this is offset by the free price point and the massive community of users. It has also attracted tons of imitators who make a prettier version of POF, but they end up failing. Why? Because they lack the community. There can only be so many free sites in a market. Lucky for POF they have conquered this market niche. No one else need apply.
The only problem I can find with POF, and it is a big one, is that POF attracts dating site bums. Guys who send emails to girls, get offended when they don’t response, then send hate mail. Ive talked to women about the site and this is always a consistent drawback of the POF cited by women. The freemium model does have its limitations. Attractive girls get 20-30 emails a day and are often harassed from these men, thus they end up leaving the site because of a bad experience. Overall though, Plenty of Fish is an excellent site despite that one draw back. Sign up for POF here.
Craigslist.org Personals are a joke
Craigslist is free, which is always good. I once meet an absolutely beautiful girl through this site, but it was a total fluke. My experience is that it is a haven for fake profiles, desperate women, and creepy guys. Browse for fun, but don’t take it too seriously. Particularly when there are so many better option like Plenty of Fish or Okcupid.
Okcupid is another good free dating site
Okcupid: Ok I don’t get it. Just kidding. It is a site made by a bunch of math dorks from an Ivy League school. Okcupid allows you take endless surveys to help match you with like minded prospects (like I said, it’s a bunch of math majors who love stats and numbers).
The good points of the site are that it is free, it shows you how picky someone is so you can gauge whether or not you want to take the time to message them, and it allow for a quick fire match system based on rating pictures between one and five stars. If you rate someone four or five stars and that person rates you equally, then both of you receive an emailing describing how both of you rated each other highly. That is a great way to break the ice and it is always fun to kill a little time by rating pictures. Sign up for Okcupid here.
Sugar Daddie: For those who want to marry a rich man
Sugar Daddie: This online dating site is for those women who value money and security over love. That sounds a bit harsh but it is what it is. I do not mean to imply that they do not value love, but it is a site that caters for the type of person that values more highly financially secure than searching for that passionate love. It would be nice to have both, but sometimes you need to choose. If security is more valuable to you then Sugar Daddie is the right option for you. Sign up for Sugar Daddie here.
Lavalife provides the option to make three profiles
Lavalife: A popular site providing much the same features as all other paid dating sites except for one very cool option. The ability to make three profiles for one account. Basically you sign up and create an account.
This is followed by the option to have a dating profile, a relationship profile, or an adult profile. It is a bit funny to sometimes see how different each profile is with some people. On one they talk about how they would love to marry and settle down, then they have an adult oriented profile that goes into how they loved to be spanked…makes me wonder if they realize everyone can see this? Regardless it is a very good site with a good community and a good chance of meeting some one. Sign up for Lavalife here.
Niche Dating Site Networks offer something for everyone
For free online dating POF and Okcupid are the dominant players. For broad paid sites we have Match, Eharmony, and Chemistry. So what’s an entrepreneur to do? That’s right. Go niche. This is exactly what two competing dating networks have done. One is the Friendfinder Network and the other is Spark Networks. Do these sites work? Can you actually meet someone? Yes absolutely, all the sites listed below are successful in there own right.
Since this post is getting long enough and it is apparent what niche means. I will just list the site by network and topic:
Spark Network
- Spark Dating (non specific)
- JDate (Jewish, very good site)
- Christian
- Black Dating
- Senior (50′s 60′s)
- Single Parents
- BBW
Friendfinder Network
- Friend Finder (For literally finding friends of the opposite sex)
- Jewish (JDate is better)
- Asian
- Hispanic
- Senior (50′s 60′s)
- Gay (Men)
Did you choose one? Lets move onto the profile
Take some time scanning through the list above. Once you have figured out what you are looking for and what site might be right for you, sign up for a site or two… $30-40 a month is not going to break the bank. If you want to cancel after one month, you can really cancel with no worries of future charges.
With that out of the way, make sure your profile explains WHAT you looking for, not just why someone should be interested in you.
A weak uninspiring profile:
I’m a very successful businessman who’s the VP of finance at a fortune 500 company. I like to play base guitar in my rock band, I speak 3 languages, and I save kittens from shelters on the weekend.
What I am looking for: Someone who is nice and cute.
What this is really saying is that 1) You have no idea what you want, and 2) are probably a bit full of yourself, which is not a desirable trait. The good points are you did a good job selling yourself, you just need to focus more on what you want. Develop a more balanced approach.
A stupid generic profile:
Whats up? I’m 24, I like to chill, looking for a cool girl to relax with. My goal is to win the lotto and open a bar.
What I am looking for: Someone who knows how to have a good time. Hit me up if you like what you see.
You come off like an idiot if you write this.
For a female profile:
Men focus on the pictures more than what you say. So keep your profile descriptive and unique but do not over do it. Just craft a few nice sentences describing how you have standards, what you are looking for, things you like to do, and what you are generally all about. Since men send the first email 75% of the time according to POF it is best to create a profile that allows a man to break the ice based off something you wrote, just don’t go overboard because your picture will determine if you get an email or not.
For a male profile:
The nature of an online dating site is to go off the pictures. If a woman does not find your picture attractive she will disqualify you before reading what you wrote. While this is true, what you say is important to women. My best advice is to be long, descriptive, unique, humorous, and a bit of a smart ass.
Being overly nice and generic is boring and it does not work. Just to give you an idea here is my personal online dating profile:
Honestly, whats the point of this part? I don’t think girls actually read this area. You just look at my pics and 1) disqualify me if you don’t think I am cute or 2) you read what I wrote and return my message only *after* viewing my pics to see if I am cute enough.
This is why guys generally don’t put in the effort online because it goes unrewarded. Yea I could talk about how I am in shape and I’m smart and I want a family and I like pets, and I’m entrepreneurial. I could get into all the ways you would be lucky to have a guy like me…but you don’t care about any of that. You just care about what the pics are.
Because I forgot that arrogance is a new trait among so many on this site, that you look down on guys, that because you think your so pretty and wear nice clothes, but have nothing to offer other than your looks you deserve some GQ looking guy. Oh and if you thought I was cute and actually read to this point…high five, what I just wrote was a test to see if girls read profiles or not, and if you don’t think im cute but read this ha ha tricked you, I was probably not that interested in you anyways. (and yes I agree, the above applies to guys as well, guys are worse actually…and yes this was meant to be slightly truthful/humorous since most of us go of the pictures, make a + or – decision THEN read the profile….looking forward to see what kind of hate mail I get with this, Ill keep you up to date)
I get about 4 emails a day with this little number. It is funny and demonstrate I don’t give a sh#t which women love for whatever reason.
First Impressions are everything
We all exaggerate a bit. You’re going to want to say you’re a bit taller than you actually are. That you make a little more money than you actually do. That you weigh a little less than is reality. My personal rule:
Lie enough to get to coffee, but not to get to bed
Don’t say “I’m a millionaire cowboy astronaut who takes time to reflect on my feelings every day”, or “I’m a cover-girl model with a PHD in European history who travels the world”. Blatant false advertising is a no no. It will just wastes your time and theirs. You want to put your best foot forward, but you want the other person to actually be interested in who you are, not who they think you are.
If you’re afraid of rejection then you have to overcome that fear. You will be rejected. You will not be cute enough for some people, thin enough for some people, tall enough for some people…but you know what? Get over it.
Strong points can make up for weak character traits:
- I’m a pathological liar, but I tell great stories!
- My IQ is about room temperature and stairs confuse me, but I’m nice to small animals and children.
Be reasonably honest so when you meet in person, your date won’t be disappointed. You want the person to like you for you. This is easier said than done, but trust me, honesty is the best policy. Always.
A profile is NOT a resume, it is a piece of sales copy advertising YOU
You take time reading reviews before you buy something. Well what the heck do you think online dating is? The profile is your sales copy, your picture is the product, the date is the test to see if it works, and the late night romp means you did the job as advertised.
You need to take time and care when filling this stuff out. It takes practice. Make a word document that is dedicated to what your online profile reads. Work on it and make changes to it little by little till it is perfect. Since it is in a word file you can easily copy and paste it on any site you end up using.
Spell check / grammar / all caps
Spell check your words and understand the difference between your and you’re, their, there, and they’re.
Also never use all caps it makes you look like an idiot or a 14 year old girl (no offense to 14 year old girls reading this)
WHY AM I YELLING YOU MAY BE WONDERING? I AM YELLING AT YOU TO STOP USING ALL CAPS BECAUSE ANY REASONABLY INTELLIGENT PERSON FINDS THIS ANNOYING.
Exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re a girl, it’s OK to use exclamation marks. It makes you come off as happy and energetic. If you’re a guy, it makes you look a bit juvenile. So if you are a man, try to stay away from using exclamation marks if possible, you may think that it shows enthusiasm, but you’re probably wrong.
What you write and what he sees
Buying a house and getting a date, actually have a lot in common. For starters, there’s “code”. “Cozy” means small and cramped, “partial view” means a view of a building that’s in the way, and “great potential” means money pit. The same goes for what you write as a woman. This is how a guy will interpret what you write:
Healthy and Athletic: 15 lbs overweight
loves animals: has 20+ cats
free spirit: might be slutty, aka a potential random hook up
I’m a caring woman: plain looking, over 40, bakes banana bread
Intelligent is sexy: ugly
Girls Just wanna have fun: chubby over-weight sorority chick
To have a chance with me: high maintenance,full of themselves
Don’t waste my time/ where are all the good men: a complainer with bad taste in men
If after all this you find yourself having trouble writing a profile that expresses who you are and what you’re all about there are always online dating profile writing services you can check out and leverage. E-yrano is the market leader in this department. They were founded by Evan Mark Katz, a popular online dating coach who has a reputation to uphold (always a good thing)
Finding the One Online
Finding the One Online is a great course created and produced by Evan Mark Katz, a top ONLINE dating coach. He now specializes in helping women exclusively. However his “Finding The One Online” is for both men and women. If you have gotten a lot of value out of this post so far but would like more specialized training, you will not be disappointed with Evan.
His product is 7 CDs long with a 200 page book filled with advice earned through years of experience from working with clients who struggled to find love online. On top of the course material you also get a workbook with actionable exercises and content that teaches you how to turn your profile into something compelling and unique, as well as how to date online. From migrating from emailing to phone conversations, to overcoming age discrimination, to flirting. Finding the One is an extremely comprehensive course that you will get a lot out of. Learn more about “Finding the One Online” here.
Secrets of Online Dating
Secrets of Online Dating is a product that is geared towards men. I have done my best to share every possible thing I know about online dating. As I said, if you would like more specialized training this is an excellent product. While I am not a fan of David Wyagnt’s blog (I find it a bit silly) I love his products. This is a man knows what he is talking about and really cares. It definitely shows in his work.
Secrets of Online Dating teaches you as a man how you can attract those super hot girls online, the ones you think are out of your league. You can do it, you just need to learn how to do it. That is where David Wygant comes in. His product will walk you though exactly what to say and how to say it so you get better results online. Learn more about the Secrets of Online Dating here.
The profile picture
Time to be creative right? NO. Pick a picture that looks like you. Have a male friend if you’re a girl, or a female friend if you’re a guy to help guide you on which one to use. What you may think looks good may not look so hot to the opposite sex. Its always best to actually ask the opposite sex first when possible. Here are some tips:
- Got the angles? What are the angles? It is those annoying pictures that are shots at odd perspectives. Having one picture like this if you are a girl is OK, guys love those shots. But if they are all like that it looks like your trying to hide your ugliness.
- DON’T use your high school photos. I don’t care if your 21, you may look good, but its weird. Why don’t you have pictures? Do you not go out, do you not have friends? These are the questions that will be raised, so do yourself a favor and ditch the school book photos.
- The best pics are the natural ones of you where you’re outside doing something dressed normally that actually looks like you. Not you 10 yrs ago, or you 20 lbs lighter.
What you send vs what she sees
You send: A pic of you with your ex cut out.
She sees: A pic of you with your ex cut out. Girls don’t like that.
You send: You only shirtless.
She sees: A weirdo.
You send: A pic with you and your pet dog.
She sees: A dog lover. Girls like that.
You send: A pic with you and your pet tarantula/python/hamster.
She sees: A Weirdo.
You send: A pic with you and your BMW/Mustang/monster truck.
She sees: A shallow status conscious guy, that thinks he can impress me with toys. She doesn’t date shallow guys.
You send: Your penis
She sees: A creepy porn freak pervert. This is the creepiest pic you can send a girl. It does not turn her on.
You send: A pic of you 20lbs lighter and 7 yrs younger.
She sees: A good looking guy, only to be disappointed when she meets you in person.
You send: You in a tux at a wedding with your friends.
She sees: She is not sure which one is you, but she thinks your cute, oh wait, she thinks your friend is cute. Sorry.
If you need more help with your pictures, or you wish to hire a professional to take some great shots, a fantastic online resource for finding local photographers for online dating profiles can be found at a service call “Look Better Online”.
The phone conversation:
After you’ve emailed one another and both like what you see, it’s critical to talk on the phone before you meet. This is not always an absolute, but it is always nice to get as comfortable with one another as possible before you meet.
The idea of talking to a complete stranger can be a bit nerve raking for those shy types, but after you do it a few times, you will get the hang of it. Whenever you talk to someone on the phone for the first time, shoot for a 5-10 minute conversation. If it goes well then by all means go as long as need be. But to avoid the conversation having bouts of awkward silence keep it to 5-10 minutes. Ask them how they like the site, what they do for work. Listen to what the other person says and bounce things off what they say.
Towards the end of the conversation, bring up the idea of meeting for coffee or whatever in person. If you are speaking on the phone then it is obvious the other person would like to get to know you so making plans to meet is a good idea. After you make plans end the conversation. The point of talking on the phone was to develop a level of comfort with the other person as well as make plans. Once both objective are accomplished, be done with it.
One last thing about calling
This is more for guys. You ask someone out twice. If you contact the girl to spend time and do not get a response, or she tells you she is busy, follow up again a week later. If it’s the same response, that she is busy, has to work, or has other plans. Take it as a hint that she is not interested. Simple advice: When a girl likes you, she will make time for you.
Umm, I thought you were going to be attractive
So you find someone you like on a dating site, exchange a few emails, then move on to having a phone conversation. That goes well so you make some plans to spend an evening together or meet for coffee and….you’re not attracted to them in person.
So what do you do? Simply enjoy the date and call it a night. If they do not call, then they got the hint you’re not interested. If they do call or text, ignore the first time. If a second or third call or text happens, consider having the decency to tell them you’re not interested. Say something like “someone is going to be lucky to have you” (implying that it won’t be me).
From my experience however, this is rarely the case where you will have to tell the other person you’re not interested. Most can figure it out.
If all goes well
You meet someone great and that is the goal (high five). Hopefully a nice relationship will blossom. All thanks to online dating. Remember, online dating should not be your only avenue to meet people. You need to focus on having friends, a life and all that important stuff first before you bring someone else in. Online dating should just simply be another avenue to meet guys and girls you otherwise would not. Nothing more, nothing less.
Books and more books
Actually I only have one book that I recommend.
Where else can you buy someones two years of slaving over a notepad for 10$?
Well that was epic. 5,000 words (about a 15 page paper) 6 hours , and lots of hot tea, we have finally reached the end.
I think I may have just written one of the longest blog post in the history of blogging. OK that is an exaggeration as a know a few are a bit longer, but regardless, I hope you got out a lot of useful information,tips, and resources that will help you be more successful online. Like I said way back at the beginning. You will not find a more detailed post covering everything to do with online dating than this one.
If you got value out of this, please link back with the right anchor text, stumble this monster, or retweet it out. Even if your followers could care less about online dating you could always tell them that through your surfing that you discovered an example of a very long blog post that will change their world for the better and give them super powers (well don’t say that, you’re smart, I’m sure you can think of something).
Thank you for reading.
best,
-David
photo cred: gullaume
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