Introducing The “I Love You” Lie
If honesty is the best policy then why do so many of us rely on lying to get our butts out of uncomfortable situations?
Why do we turn and hide when things get tough instead of facing it head on? Accountability is the catch phrase of the day but few of us ever want to apply it to ourselves. Why? Because in the short term it is easier to lie. Sometimes we justify it in our minds by thinking it prevents us from hurting the other person, other times it is because we screwed up and just hope for things to pass over.
The reason honesty it the best policy as the saying goes is because hiding does you little good.
You’re going to be found out one way or another. Maybe you postponed the reveal for a day, a week, a month, even a year, but the truth always finds its way through.
This human nature of acting in a short term interest is one of the things that separates the winners from the losers.
You can find this short term in various aspects of society. The CEO who fires his works to do more with less. Saves a lot of costs in the short run, but hampers growth in the long run. How about the kid who cheats on a test to get by. He may pass now, but when the time comes and he needs the knowledge he will be without. Lying is just a short term fix that only postpones the problem, it doesn’t solve it. One of the most devious lies told that I am going to talk about today is the “I love You” lie.
Introducing the I love you lie
I love you are three powerful words…at least to girls. For guys? Eh, sometimes. Many men have figured out through dating that saying I love you when you do not mean it can serve very well in an arsenal of seductive lies and misleads. These are the 3 main advantages lying about I love you provides:
- It keeps the relationship going by preventing conflict and just telling her what she wants to hear.
- It gives the guy time to figure out his own feelings.
- It works as a mask to hide his real feelings: Simple sexual attraction, lust, or need for companionship.
So what’s a girl to do?
How do you know if he is telling you the truth or if he is telling you the I Love You lie? First, you need to understand men and second, you also need to challenge him on his words. You can not challenge him on if he loves you, there is no way to know the truth unless you’re a mind reader.
Instead challenge him on other things he says.
For guys, lying to women generally comes from a very insecure area life. It is all about who he is versus who he wants to be. When he doesn’t meet up to his own standards let alone yours he does not feel good or proud about himself. There is a level of shame and disappointment involved in this.
When his real and ideal are two different things, he lies.
He lies because he feels that if you saw the truth, who he really is and all his lacking, you would never give him a chance. He lies to keep you around so he can get what he needs from you. Understand that every day when a man walks out the door the world is trying to beat him down. He needs your love and support, since competition is the name of the game.
So what are some typical male lies?
- I’m An Astronaught Cowboy Millionaire…no really, I am!
Lies about What?
Lies about Money
- I make a high income
- I made a lot of money in the stock market
- Money is no object, you want that Louis Vuitton purse? No problem babe.
Lies about Prestige
- My grandfather was a World War II hero
- I served in the Marine Corps, I was shot so I was discharged…yea I’m so tough
- I plan on being governor of this state someday
Lies about Relationships
- I want to settle down someday
- I am a one woman man
- I’m tired of dating and one night stands
Lies about Sex
- I tested negative for HIV
- I have never had an STD
- I always practice safe sex
Lies about Availability
- I’m single
- I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago
- I’m not dating anyone right now
Intent of the I love You Lie
His intent in telling you what you want to hear is mostly because he is trying to hide how he really feels. This is a seductive lie that men AND women like to tell each other, even when the truth is a disappointment. The reason men use it so often is because it works.
It works because it temporarily grants you something you sincerely, perhaps even desperately want and wish for. So much so that you will over look the truth. You will not question or challenge him, and as such he is able to get away with it.
Lies at the Beginning Of the Relationship
Lies on both sides happen most at the begging of the relationship. This makes sense because you’re both trying to impress one another. You need to challenge him on the things he says in order to discover if he has a pattern of truth, or a pattern of lying. Stop taking everything he says at face value and instead:
- Let what he says sink in. Does it make sense?
- Relate what he is saying to what you value. Is their to much of a coincidence of shared interest?
- Check yourself for selective attention. Whenever we like and are attracted to someone all of us tend to put that person on a pedestal. We ignore the bad and emphasizing the good. Are you doing this? Emphasizing the good and excusing the bad?
Always challenge him on inconsistencies. Use some of the above areas that men typically lie about to challenge him. If you find he is overtly lying, that means he is not happy or fulfilled with himself and probably can not focus with you until he gets himself in order.
If you find he is telling the truth, then he might be someone to hold on to.
best,
-David
