How to End a Long Term Relationship

When do you decide to end a long term relationship and how do you do it?

So I was cheated on once and it was terrible. To be honest I would have cheated on her if I had the chance. The funny thing is, I never really wanted to be with her in the first place.

I was a stupid 20 year old at the time with not enough experience to know what I was doing. I should have broken up with her after a few month of dating if I felt like I did not see myself with her long term but I did not. I just kept things going because, you know, things were OK.

I was not deeply in love with her, but I enjoyed our time together.

Our relationship was never amazing, but it was certainly not bad, at least not till the end. Finally, after a year and a half of dating she wanted to take it to the next level, marriage, moving in together and what not. My hesitation and resistance signaled to her I was not the man she need me to be. I did not give her what she needed so she went elsewhere and cheated. That is how our long term relationship ended.

I’m writing this for you

I’m also writing this for 20 year old me, that inexperienced idiot who did not know when to end a long term relationship. Look, if you get nothing else out of my writing take this away: if it’s clear you should go, then go. Otherwise things will eventually fall apart. I write this from personal experience, I learned the hard way, but that is also sometimes the best way:

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Is your relationship just average? No real complaints, but certainly nothing to get excited about? Just average. Before you answer, let’s define average as this:

You have fun spending time together, your family likes your boyfriend/girlfriend. The two of you get along for the most part, you don’t really fight, and everything is just bumping along uneventfully. A 7 out of 10 lets say.

So what do you do? Stay or go?

It is typically a 7 out of 10 because one half is in love and the other half is not. If both sides were in love the relationship would be a 10 out of 10, and you would not be searching Google right now for how to end a long term relationship. Obviously, if both sides were not in love, the relationship would have been over by now.

So we have one person in love, and the other person complacent (you). Too afraid to end the long term relationship and be alone. If you find yourself the half that is questioning your long term relationship, I have a question for you: Are you in an ambivalent state right now? An ambivalent state is more worse than being single. It is when you are feeling uninspired. Feeling a lack of excitement about your relationship. You have no complaints, yet something is missing…

It’s when you realize what you have is a blessing, but you just don’t seem to love them like you have loved others in the past.
You feel lucky to have found someone who loves you, and are happy for that, but you have grown content. Passionate or inspired are not words that describe your relationship.
The thought of leaving and being alone again, single and looking is something scary.
You think to yourself that what you have is alright, you know it will never be better, but it sure beats being alone.
In your mind you are open to the possibility of meeting someone new. You kind of hope to meet someone else so you can jump ship.
You would rather be in a loveless relationship than be single forever.

Let’s talk about what will really happen if you do overcome your ambivalence, and do indeed develop the courage to end your long term relationship.

First, it will in the beginning feel like you made a mistake ending the relationship. It will feel like a mistake because inadvertently you have some feelings for the person. Love is a valuable thing. Knowing you have someone who loves you is difficult to give up. But to not give it up knowing you should is selfish.

Remember this: you will never find true love and happiness if you do not break it off. You are holding yourself back from a truly rewarding relationship. You do not have to settle for an average relationship. Go for that “something really special” relationship. The kind of relationship that would make others envious. As with most things in life people tend to settle. Try to be conscious of this and not settle in your relationships.

Also, by letting go of the other personal you are giving them permission to find someone who can love them back just as much as they love you. They deserve to be love just as you deserve to be loved. In fact we all deserve to be loved. It is just a matter of finding it.

Good to stay, but bad to leave. This is the sentiment you will have if you feel trapped in a long term relationship.

This trapped feeling will never become love. The problem with this sentiment is often times you’re balancing the pros and con’s of a relationship, which is logical to do in regards to making a decision about buying cereal at the grocery store; but love is not a logical problem.

Every relationship has it’s pros and cons, no relationship is perfect; but trying to out-weigh the positives over the negatives as a way to justify a matter of the heart is absurd because the most important criteria being neglected: LOVE. The love and happiness of both sides.

With that said, is it really fair to keep stringing along that other person? No, so hit that eject button and go find what you’re looking for; and let the other person find someone better for them.

Instead of balancing pros and con’s you need to diagnose your relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

Are you in Love?
Do you want to marry the other person right now?
Do you want to have children with the other person?
If your relationship was over tomorrow, would you be thankful that it is finally over so you can move on now?
Would you cheat if the opportunity presented itself?
Are your needs being meet in the relationship with out too much difficulty?

By no means are these definitive questions. You should come up with your own brutally honest questions.

You know your relationship best and don’t question whether or not if you should leave. If it is clear you should leave, then leave; but taking time by yourself to face tough honest questions about your relationships, and not lying to yourself, not weighing the pros and con’s, can be very helpful in your romantic life.

It can be a tough adjustment back to singledom. You need to sharpen your skills again to attract a new partner, but you’re in a much better position of being able to find someone new as a single person, than as an attached person. If you need to end it, end it. Having the courage to do so will make you much much happier in the long run.

So how exactly do you actually end a long term relationship?

There is no best way to end a long term relationship with someone. Though there are many bad ways to end a long term relationship. The most common being infidelity. Women often times will not ditch the man they are with until they find a new man. If you want to avoid causing needless pain and friction try to not do this. It will only cause hurt and anger in the other person. Breaking up is miserable business but take the straight forward approach with a man and end it.

If you’re a man, tell it to her like it is. You must get over your anxiety of upsetting her. You are going to hurt her feelings. Truth hurts, but it does not kill. Men often times drag relationships out that were meant to be short trysts that accidentally blow up into long term relationships. Why? Because breaking a girls heart is really hard for a lot of guys. It is much easier to ignore an move on, but with a long term committed relationship, simply disappearing is no longer an option.

Man or woman, when you break it off make it crystal clear that it is over. NEVER say you need a break. That pisses guys off more than anything. Just say what you need to say. For guys, don’t just withdraw and disappear. Tell her it is over and move on.

best,